History

Feel like I’ve been holding back. Like I need to let this out. Let’s start at the beginning.

My father (the cunt) wasn’t the best, he actively sought to put you down and make you feel tiny. At 3 years old my mum left him due to his repeated cheating and the fact he tried to ban her taking me on a school trip. He then decided that being a dad wasn’t for him and didn’t see me till I was 6/7. At this point he was just a stranger but my mum said I needed to go and spend time with him! Apart from the times he dropped me off at my aunties because he was too hungover, the times he just didn’t bother turning up or when he did take me anywhere it was to my mentally abusive step mum, it wasn’t enjoyable but I kept going….. This is the hard bit…. At 9 years old I was sexually abused by one of my step mums family…. She made me do some things that no 8 year old should do! She told me it was a game and that everyone does it…. This sparked the change. I became disruptive, aggressive and made myself a loner.

Fast forward to 13 and I started drinking and smoking. Hanging out with people who did drugs and went out fighting. I made myself a horrid person. Occasionally the real me came out but that wasn’t right for those I knew. They sought to drag me down but I let them. I happily followed the line of being part of a group of idiots who did stuff because it was deemed “cool”. At 14 I started abusing myself by pretty much having sex with anyone who would let me. By 15 I’d slept with 8 girls….. And done stuff with a guy (this was a drunken forced situation). He was a lad who everyone liked and he followed me to the toilet threatening me. No one believed me because how could a lad “so cool” be gay. How could he want to do it. He was the most cowardly piece of shit I’ve ever met. Poor bastard now pretends to be happy while going to gay bars on nights out and sleeping with random guys.

At 17 I met my daughters mum. Both of us were damaged goods. She was too used to being single, so spoke to random guys online and met them. I was too scared of being alone to leave her. Too afraid that I wouldn’t find anyone better. She got pregnant 10 months into our relationship! She had planned this but I didn’t (not to say I don’t love my daughter immensely). She then moved into my flat with me after she gave birth…. She was 16/17. She was physically and mentally abusive throwing plates at me. Hitting me. Got her dad to give me a kicking. Convinced I was cheating she would message my friends saying to leave me alone and that she knew I was sleeping with them. I lost everyone because she was possessive. Even more so with my little girl. I was working at a garage and had to travel to London every 3 months for training. During this time she would “go to her mums” but I found out when my daughter was 6 month old that she was sleeping with a guy called Jay. I left her immediately. This meant she wouldn’t let me see my daughter. I had to fight through a corrupt and improper family court system that is made to destroy dad’s who want to see their kids.

At 19 I was too busy getting off my face to realise what I was doing. 1 night stands, heavy drinking, lost my job, lost my head. Pretty sure I had a nervous breakdown at this point. I can’t remember from 19 to 21 but it wasn’t nice. I wish I did more because I lost my way massively. Covered up my issues with alcohol.

At this point I was allowed to see my daughter again. 9 months of no contact because she said I was the abusive 1. I saw her at my exs mums house (control) I wasn’t allowed to cuddle my daughter. I had to travel 2 hours there and 2 hours back. I once got down and was having fun with my little girl but contact was cut short because I apparently broke rules. 5 month later I got my daughter in a contact centre. This was better but my ex used to run in saying family emergency so I lost 1 hour every 2 hour session with my daughter. At 3 years old I went all out to see my daughter. Represented myself because my solicitor told me I had no chance. Finally got unsupervised contact every week for 3 hours…… This happened OK for 2 months till my ex didn’t like that my new partner was pregnant. Cut all contact and blamed it on…. Well she didn’t actually have an excuse just wouldn’t open door to me or let my daughter know I was trying.

In 2014…. My partner had her first ectopic pregnancy. She nearly died. I nearly lost someone who was positive. Someone who loved me and tried to help make me better. This destroyed me. Truly broke me. I hid it so well but I was in bits. Time healed but it still hurt. In August of this year she had another ectopic. We noticed it earlier so managed to catch it before it became life threatening but it was still serious.

This time I couldn’t stop myself. I lost it. I was empty. After years and years of shit happening I couldn’t stop myself. I gave up. My head gave up. My body gave up. I knew I’d bottled it up too long. I’d been the stronger person too much. I threw in the towel and finally accepted I was depressed. It wasn’t possible to hide anymore.

Now starts the most testing time of my life. My journey won’t be pretty and won’t be happy. It will be testing. It will be hard. But I can’t give up. I won’t give up.

Thank you