So it’s been a while since I posted. It was so painful and I’ve struggled. I opened up to my family about the issues I was facing, this did some good, my wife’s family on the other hand are bitter and twisted people. They thought it was a joke, mocked that everyone feels suicidal and that I should just “cope with it”. This started to cause me to consider if I was worth it. If I was just being oversensitive! A massive setback and a spiral started.

I was on the verge of suicide in February and only snapped out after sitting down and assessing everything. Surprisingly I found Afterlife by Ricky Gervais so, weirdly, mind soothing. I know it’s weird but his life style was like mine. Attempting to cope with loss by being a bit dark towards everyone. I know it won’t be seen by Ricky but something stopped me in that first season.

It’s strange that a series about using depression as a super power and coping mechanism for depression is quite soothing. I know people won’t flood my blog. Nor will people feel impacted by this. If you have depression or even just feel down just remember, your loved by someone even if they don’t say it. If you ever need someone to talk to…… Message me. I’m here you

So this week I made a decisive decision.

I stepped down from a management role within my workplace. Its extremely stressful and it became an obsession to me. I spent more time working than I did at home and this caused issues for me.

Its now clear that work was causing my anxiety. Weirdly, I was expecting my managers to be annoyed or upset but they understood. I explained I’d be diagnosed with anxiety and depression and they were fine with me.

The financial side means a bit of hardship but I feel a million times better. I enjoyed my role but it relies on you being a worker 100% of the time and not having down time.

Ultimately it’s been a good few weeks and the decisions I make are becoming positive ones. This will mean I can focus on home life and improving my health and fitness.

1 step backwards to take 2 steps forwards

So I decided my best option is to open up.

I spoke to family about the abuse I endured at a young age. My mum knew something was wrong around that time but presumed it was bullying.

My sister is a bit of a twat so doesn’t believe it (she worships my father even though they aren’t blood related). She said I was craving attention and that it was cry out for help. Suggested I go get tablets to make me see reality. This woman has an alcoholic husband who threatens my nephews (he’s not their dad).

My step dad is old school but he looked broken by it. He didn’t say it but he just looked as if it hit him hard. I’m like his own so he hurts when I’m hurt. He said come for a drink with me and we will talk. He won’t talk but he will make me laugh and help me.

My brother isn’t about so never mind lol. He’s off working hard and I know he’s a workaholic so it’s irrelevant.

My wife knew and she said it was the thing to do to get my mind clear.

My father denies it all. Although its been mentioned that my father slept with my ex a while ago. Nice to find out but oh well. He’s useless. Too bothered about moving on. He’s wrapped up getting to take my daughter out while I don’t get to see her.

I’m broken. Hurting. Contemplating everything.

Today is a rough day.

Feel like I’ve been holding back. Like I need to let this out. Let’s start at the beginning.

My father (the cunt) wasn’t the best, he actively sought to put you down and make you feel tiny. At 3 years old my mum left him due to his repeated cheating and the fact he tried to ban her taking me on a school trip. He then decided that being a dad wasn’t for him and didn’t see me till I was 6/7. At this point he was just a stranger but my mum said I needed to go and spend time with him! Apart from the times he dropped me off at my aunties because he was too hungover, the times he just didn’t bother turning up or when he did take me anywhere it was to my mentally abusive step mum, it wasn’t enjoyable but I kept going….. This is the hard bit…. At 9 years old I was sexually abused by one of my step mums family…. She made me do some things that no 8 year old should do! She told me it was a game and that everyone does it…. This sparked the change. I became disruptive, aggressive and made myself a loner.

Fast forward to 13 and I started drinking and smoking. Hanging out with people who did drugs and went out fighting. I made myself a horrid person. Occasionally the real me came out but that wasn’t right for those I knew. They sought to drag me down but I let them. I happily followed the line of being part of a group of idiots who did stuff because it was deemed “cool”. At 14 I started abusing myself by pretty much having sex with anyone who would let me. By 15 I’d slept with 8 girls….. And done stuff with a guy (this was a drunken forced situation). He was a lad who everyone liked and he followed me to the toilet threatening me. No one believed me because how could a lad “so cool” be gay. How could he want to do it. He was the most cowardly piece of shit I’ve ever met. Poor bastard now pretends to be happy while going to gay bars on nights out and sleeping with random guys.

At 17 I met my daughters mum. Both of us were damaged goods. She was too used to being single, so spoke to random guys online and met them. I was too scared of being alone to leave her. Too afraid that I wouldn’t find anyone better. She got pregnant 10 months into our relationship! She had planned this but I didn’t (not to say I don’t love my daughter immensely). She then moved into my flat with me after she gave birth…. She was 16/17. She was physically and mentally abusive throwing plates at me. Hitting me. Got her dad to give me a kicking. Convinced I was cheating she would message my friends saying to leave me alone and that she knew I was sleeping with them. I lost everyone because she was possessive. Even more so with my little girl. I was working at a garage and had to travel to London every 3 months for training. During this time she would “go to her mums” but I found out when my daughter was 6 month old that she was sleeping with a guy called Jay. I left her immediately. This meant she wouldn’t let me see my daughter. I had to fight through a corrupt and improper family court system that is made to destroy dad’s who want to see their kids.

At 19 I was too busy getting off my face to realise what I was doing. 1 night stands, heavy drinking, lost my job, lost my head. Pretty sure I had a nervous breakdown at this point. I can’t remember from 19 to 21 but it wasn’t nice. I wish I did more because I lost my way massively. Covered up my issues with alcohol.

At this point I was allowed to see my daughter again. 9 months of no contact because she said I was the abusive 1. I saw her at my exs mums house (control) I wasn’t allowed to cuddle my daughter. I had to travel 2 hours there and 2 hours back. I once got down and was having fun with my little girl but contact was cut short because I apparently broke rules. 5 month later I got my daughter in a contact centre. This was better but my ex used to run in saying family emergency so I lost 1 hour every 2 hour session with my daughter. At 3 years old I went all out to see my daughter. Represented myself because my solicitor told me I had no chance. Finally got unsupervised contact every week for 3 hours…… This happened OK for 2 months till my ex didn’t like that my new partner was pregnant. Cut all contact and blamed it on…. Well she didn’t actually have an excuse just wouldn’t open door to me or let my daughter know I was trying.

In 2014…. My partner had her first ectopic pregnancy. She nearly died. I nearly lost someone who was positive. Someone who loved me and tried to help make me better. This destroyed me. Truly broke me. I hid it so well but I was in bits. Time healed but it still hurt. In August of this year she had another ectopic. We noticed it earlier so managed to catch it before it became life threatening but it was still serious.

This time I couldn’t stop myself. I lost it. I was empty. After years and years of shit happening I couldn’t stop myself. I gave up. My head gave up. My body gave up. I knew I’d bottled it up too long. I’d been the stronger person too much. I threw in the towel and finally accepted I was depressed. It wasn’t possible to hide anymore.

Now starts the most testing time of my life. My journey won’t be pretty and won’t be happy. It will be testing. It will be hard. But I can’t give up. I won’t give up.

Thank you

Here I am, in bed alone.

I work nights normally so being in bed alone is normal. Issue is when I’m at home my better half sleeps in our sons room. This isn’t a 1 off, it’s every week.

It feels weird to be constantly in bed alone. You want to cuddle up and feel love and comfort…. Well it’s not happened.

I was off sick for 2 weeks due to a really bad bout of gastrointestitis and she slept away from me every night. Its only a small thing but it feels massive to me.

The other side of this means…. Well a lack of intimacy. Sex once a week if I’m lucky and the occasional peck on the lips. It’s a strange feeling to go from 2 or 3 times a week to that. Some will say its how it goes but intimacy is a massive part of a relationship. Anyone who says it isn’t is lying.

It’s small things that make me feel alone. Tiny little things that a normal person wouldn’t view as being significant.

I can’t sleep more than 4 hours at the moment and no amount of talking will cure my sleep till I battle those demons eating away at me.

People will read this and think I’m just overreacting. None of you can see or feel what’s in my head.

I’m 5 hours into my first shift and surprisingly it’s going well. I’m not panicking or feeling swamped.

Although I’ve locked myself into my office and kept myself away from interaction it’s going well! It’s not easy trying to talk to people at work and it’s not easy admitting there is an issue. I’m not saying it’s right to ignore it, I’m just not comfortable enough to tell people yet.

I’ve always been enclosed and that’s my mindset, no way of shifting, no way of changing. I’ve been instilled with a “home issues stay at home” mentality at work…. Or that’s what work have done. That’s probably not healthy but this shit takes time.

On a positive I’m drinking loads more water and I actually had a positive thought “maybe moving will help me”. Infact its no maybe… I know it will. Just need to get myself in a steady financial position to get there.

Sounds mental that doing this is helping but it actually is. Seeing the written word of my issues is helping.

Tomorrow will be more gruesome….. Its time to put those demons in my mind into this blog….

Keep an eye out 👀

So, I’ve tried my best to do a normal routine. It’s actually harder than you think. I used to enjoy cooking and even cleaning up… Now I can’t even push myself passed making soup.

Depression isn’t what I expected. I still laugh and smile, I still joke and act normal but I can’t shift this sense of emptiness or numbness.

It’s a strange situation to be in. Returning to work today and hopefully this will keep my mind busy. Ive kicked alcohol and even started looking at my diet….. Then I went an ordered a Chinese and had a very, very weak shandy.

In other news my sister in law came down followed by a massive storm that generally follows my in laws. They help about as much as a chocolate fire guard in a forest fire… They only bother for themselves and it frustrates me to see my wife being abused by them. Thank god I married my wife and didn’t care about her family.

Stress has eased alot but it’s getting back into the Norm as they say.

Hopefully tomorrow I can feel a bit less numb.

Kid have no filter! Seriously, they are ridiculous. I feel self conscious and first thing my son says (after I’ve weighed myself to find I’ve lost 2 pounds) is “wow your belly is massive” cheers kid! I was on a high and now a low. Not his fault mind just being honest and it’s actually refreshing.

Everyone says during this sort of period that you “are fine” or “will pull through”. My lad is as blunt as they come. Why are you upset? Why are you grumpy? He’s a pain but he’s helpful all the same.

So he doesn’t think I’m fat but likes to say it to wind me up. Support is so backwards! Here’s some tablets and a group of depressed people! That a brilliant idea…. Upset others with your tales on woe. I prefer exercise as many have recommended. I just don’t have the can do attitude to get it done. I would rather eat my body weight in chocolate and drink 30 rockstar energy drinks. Perks up etc.

Today is a long day. But everyday is a new day

Hello,

My name is Luciano. Call me Luc…. Or whatever. Anyway I was diagnosed with depression on Monday (2 days ago). It wasn’t a surprise. I spend most my days stressed and anxious. This is just another one to follow my list of previous issues.

So let’s get started properly. My issues started at the age of 8. I was a confident kid but my father decided at 3 he wasn’t up for parenthood and left. My mum was raising 3 of us. I was the only kid to my father and so a little out of center. He ignored me for 3 years till my mum met my step dad. He raised me since but my dad seemed to like disrupting me. Calling me names, belittling me. He even said he didn’t want a kid as I’m a drain on his money.

At 8 years old something significant happened….. I’ll get this when I’m more comfortable.

Anyway at 17 I got my then girlfriend pregnant and that made me mature. It made me feel alive. Full of energy. A little person to give my love to. The relationship was difficult and she lacked trust. She would verbally abuse me for anything. I got home 15 minutes late from work and she decided to lock me out (luckily my mum lived a 10 minute walk away).

I found out she was seeing a guy who was 29 (she was 17 at this point) while I went on training courses with work. I never told anyone she was doing this because I was more bothered about seeing my kid. At 19 I left her and decided being apart 2as healthier. She didn’t think so and blocked me from seeing my daughter for 7 months. Accused me of domestic violence (immediately no contact allowed). I spent most of my time going back and forth to court and lost my job. I had a nervous breakdown at 20….. Take that in!! 20 years old and having a nervous breakdown. I eventually met my now wife at 22. Known her alot longer but took a while to convince her lol.

The years between 19 and 22 I spent abusing myself. Mentally and physically. I drunk too much and got into some silly situations. Blanked out my issues and let myself get into a spiral. At 20 i was having 3 week long relationships and just giving up on caring. I abused people’s trust to make myself feel better.

I was a arse hole really. Thankfully my wife sorted them issues out. Made me love myself a bit more and forget my past (not my daughter obviously).

Im now at this point. Depressed. I pushed all the issues I had to the back of my mind. This caused me to relapse onto this.

So here it is. DAY 1.

I’m not here for sympathy just to publish my journey.

Enjoy!

I’m 30, Dad, husband, general dogsbody. Here to blow of some steam.

I’ll be updating daily or maybe every couple of days.

This is more to vent than anything.

Use this to discuss…. To find joy! To find comfort. I’m also on twitter under @lufcldp1989.

If you need a chat give me a shout….. Because not going to lie… I’m struggling.